A love letter to my best friends and to 2012, the year I decided to never try to kill myself again.
Earlier tonight I had a good talk with my friend Will. He asked me how I got over my depression and since driving home I’ve had a lot to think about.
Sam’s not here to talk to right now so you’re all gonna have to deal with this personal touchy feely post
I can honestly say that this has been the best year I’ve experienced so far as a human being on this Earth. I’m gonna get real here and say some stuff from my heart about my life and my friends.
This was the year that I didn’t try to kill myself and realized I will never have to try to again.
I started the year working at American Apparel at a job I was good at but was under appreciated just like every person in every office job. The friends I made there were good friends and the first ones I had made that didn’t know me when I was 21. I was spared the apologetic embarrassment of being the youngest in the room because everyone was my age and I had nothing to prove to anyone.
I quit in April after working store level for 2 years and corporate for 1 after a Dov Charney induced mental breakdown causing me to burn a few inches off my hair whilst crying in the bottom of the shoe closet. I remember feeling really lost and hated myself. I felt like a nobody that couldn’t do anything right even though I had brought up proficiency in my department 78% in only a year at a position that didn’t exist before my arrival.
I thought he was right about me. I was useless and stupid. I looked like a 8 year old and none of my clothes fit. My scalp psoriasis was disgusting and I should be ashamed about it. He was right about it all and I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself over everything this stupid asshole said to me in a room full of strangers. No one does anything right enough for Dov and I couldn’t do anything right for anyone. I was a target for his verbal abuse just like every single one of his employees and was too mentally weak to handle it. My heart bleeds for my friends who are still there and subject to his demoralizing tirades. They are champions for letting it all roll off their back.
So I quit and it felt great. It felt great for a week. Then the anxiety of my unknown future slowly seeped in. What do you do after you’ve seemingly done nothing for a year? I took up the hobby of being depressed, which I hear is normal. Sam had a hard time getting me out of it and so did my friends.
But then an opportunity came. Julia needed something built and she had a confidence in me that I could build it. She was and is always pushing me to make and build things with this cool tenacity that built me up to the point where I was saying “Yeah! You’re right! I can do it!” It was a foreign feeling that I hadn’t felt in a long time. Julia brings that out in people. She makes you feel like you’re the only one who can save the world without over inflating your ego.
I did it, too. I built a miniature prop island that inspired me to want to build more. It felt great. I could do everything I ever wanted at that point. So I just began building. I bought books on how-to do this and how-to do that. I built up my arsenal of supplies and tools to the point that my sister offered to call Hoarders for me. Sam supported my every move, not questioning the 25 lbs of plaster that I ordered off a dental supply website or the 15 lbs of powdered wood putty that later spilled all over the carpet or the endless scenic supply lot bids on ebay. He was just happy that I was happy
And I was happy that I wasn’t at the bottom of the closet with a smoking tuft of hair in my hand. I realized that my depression was all in my head. I needed to start thinking just as much about myself as my friends and family seemed to think of me. I will always have to deal with my depression but I don’t have to suffer from it. They were right, I’m young and talented. Everyone around me has been doing what they’re doing for years and I’m just getting started. It only goes up from here as long as I don’t let it get back down. My friends, my BEST friends, have shown me that I have so much to live for and now I know we’re going to live forever.
Over the next couple months I got a few more jobs thrown at me and when I wasn’t working for someone I was working for myself. Making little things and holding it up for my friends to applaud and tell me how wonderful it is.
So here’s just some sappy thank yous to the people who I feel saved my life this year even if they didn’t know it.
for believing in me no matter what, Sam
for the assurance that I am worth something, Tony.
for the hugs and pep talks, Kelsy.
for convincing me I could do everything I ever wanted, Julia.
for knowing me since high school and still never having a fight, Mandy.
for always having time to hang out even if it’s not the right time, Prescott.
for taking a chance on me.
One day I looked up and there you were! I found you!
And you found me! I feel so goddamn lucky all the time!
You guys are the friends I’ve been searching for my whole life
I’m so fucking glad that I know you
I hope I never do anything to fuck it up
Because you’re all so important to me
I’m not much for being cheesey, but this has been the year that really turned it all around for me. I don’t know what’s gonna happen next year but at least I can say that it can only get better from here on out.
Surround yourself with people who encourage you to do better and to be better than yourself. Make art even if you think you’re not good at it. Be nice to people even if it hurts in your soul to be nice to certain people you really can’t stand. Always, always, always let the people you love know that you love them too. They might need to hear it.
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